I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
