I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I am available for nakedness
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
