$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
