yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
