There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
