Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
