Where did you get a picture of my penis
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize