I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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