As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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