My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Randomize
