Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
