i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
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