just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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