I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
