I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
