Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
