is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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