At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
