I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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