Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
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