Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Just invented taco cereal.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
