im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
