I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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