Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
