One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
