winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I was not drunk enough for that final.
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