I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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