I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
