I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
