I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
