I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
