Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
