I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
