I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
