So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize