508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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