rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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