I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
