THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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