every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
