But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
