I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
