Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
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