What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
