the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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