Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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