Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
