There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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