I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
