I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
