Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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