you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
