i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
