im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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