WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize