Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
