Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
