God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
