she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
