No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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