Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
