He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
