I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
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