shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize
