Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
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