please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
