I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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